Grief Loss - How To Grief The Loss Of A Parent

How To Grief The Loss Of A Parent

Have you ever experienced the death of someone close to you? We go through a grieving process best described by Elizabeth Kublar-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. In it, she discusses the five stages of human development: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. The dying, as well as those who love them, go through these stages, though rarely all at once, and they are unpredictable.

You may believe you are in the anger phase, then move on to depression, and then back to denial. There is no rhyme or reason—only what feels right at the time for each individual. Nobody knows how long a phase will last. If you are grieving and someone well-meaning suggests that you shouldn't be feeling the way you are, thank them for their concern but know that you are exactly where you need to be.

However, when dealing with grief (Grief Loss Of Parent), you may become aware of something that does not feel right. "I should be over this by now," you may think, or "I don't like feeling this way." When you recognize that it is time to move on from where you are, trust that feeling as well.

I'd like to discuss grief from the standpoint of Choice Theory. It will most likely take several posts to make sense of everything. I should begin with the Choice Theory expression that all behavior is purposeful, because grief is really just a behavior in choice theory terms. According to choice theory, everything we do at any given time is our best effort to obtain something we desire—some image we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no different.

When you realize that all behavior has a purpose and that grief is a person's best attempt to get what they want, it becomes easier to know what to do about it. What are we trying to achieve by grieving? Most people would argue that there isn't one. We must grieve when someone we love dies. I believe it is natural for us to miss the person's presence in our lives, but it is not necessary for us to grieve, at least not in the way most people think of grieving.

The person who died, I believe, is the first thing we are trying to reconcile with our grief. When we grieve, we are making our best effort to keep that person alive, at least in our perception of the world. We are aware that they do not exist in the physical world as we know it. However, if we continue to think about them, pine for them, and mourn their absence, we keep the thought of that person active in our perception, which feels better to us than the total void or absence of the other person.

Another potential advantage of grief is that it demonstrates to others how much we cared for and loved the person who died. I'm not implying that people use their grief to manipulate others. What I mean is that grief has the added benefit of demonstrating to others how much we cared. "See what a good ________ I was," it adds. Fill in the blanks with your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, and so on.

Grief could also help us get the help we need from others during our time of bereavement. People perform tasks for us that we would normally be expected to perform for ourselves. Please understand that I am not suggesting that a grieving person wakes up and "decides" to grieve in order for someone to drop by the house with a meal. None of this is intentional, but I'm simply pointing out the potential benefits of grief.

The difficult part begins when we become completely conscious and aware of what our grief does and does not do for us. We must make some choices about how we want to live.

Every situation has at least three options, which can be summarized as "leave it, change it, or accept it." When it comes to death, you may wonder how someone will "leave it." Among the possibilities are major denial of the loss, suicide, drug and/or alcohol abuse, or sinking deep into mental illness.

When we become engrossed in changing things, we may continue to grieve as our best attempt to bring the person back. That could manifest as frequent visits to the cemetery, frequent conversations with the deceased, refusal to believe he or she is truly gone, and constant talk about the one who's gone. There are numerous things we can do to try to alter the reality of the loss.

We can experience some measure of peace and rejoin the living if and when we accept it. Finding a way to keep that person's presence in our lives is a healthy step in this process. Now, this is a very personal matter, and you must be very careful not to pass judgment on the bereave d's choices.

The majority of people saw Meet the Parents. In the film, Robert Dinero's character kept his mother's ashes in an urn on his mantle. Many people do this with their loved ones' cremated remains. Others put ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will establish scholarship or memorial funds. When my husband died, his family and I established a wrestling scholarship fund for a high school wrestler in our community. When my friend's 8-year-old son died, she had the Houston Zoo rename the frog exhibit in his honor!

There are numerous inventive ways to keep the person's presence. There is no such thing as a wrong way. Those who are close to the bereaved should support whatever brings them comfort. Remember that just because something is distasteful or wrong to you, it is not necessarily wrong for that person.

When acceptance occurs, the grieving person can begin to re assimilate back into their life and the lives of those around them, but this will take time. For those who are recovering from grief, we need patience and loving understanding.

Another option is the person who does not appear to be in any way bereaved. There could be several explanations for this behavior. The individual may be extremely private and will not grieve in public. Another possibility is that the individual is attempting to be strong for the sake of others. I knew I needed my children to KNOW I was going to be OK. I didn't want them to think they had to look after me. Some people thought I wasn't grieving enough.

Please don't judge yourself or others if you are grieving or are involved in the life of someone who is grieving. Recognize that all behavior has a purpose and that the person is gaining something from what they are doing. When they become aware that they have a choice, they can make a conscious decision about which of the three options they want to pursue. They must flesh out the details of their plan once they have determined the direction they wish to take.